This is not a blog on how to beat the system, get a bottom bunk in prison, or get what you want from your probation officer. My goal is to be a guide and clarify what it means to be a labeled an ex-con, sex offender, probationer, and how you can and should engage life, plan for the future, and work with many of the restrictions placed on you. I believe you can use my experience to give you and your family a better life than what others feel you deserve or what you may unwittingly deny yourself.
Though this blog is was originally intended as a resource for offenders in Massachusetts, much of what I write about is applicable to sex offenders in every other state and many countries around the world, especially in Western Europe. Even other non-sex offenders trying to navigate prison, probation and parole, or employment and education opportunities can glean relevant information from this blog and apply it to help overcome their own struggles.
Whether you're in prison or on probation, you know all about waiting. Waiting for the years to click away; waiting for chow time; waiting for a letter; waiting for the gate to open; waiting for your Probation Officer; etc... As a probationer, it's maddening and somewhat counterproductive for a probationer who is working or attending class. But it is what it is.
Tomorrow, I yet again have to wait for my probation officer to make a home visit. This will be about the 116th home visit by probation. They always say they be at the house between 7am-12pm. This type of waiting is one of my real gripes with probation. Imagine having to wait for the cable guy once a month! I have alternating biweekly home and courthouse/probation office visits which doesn't sound that bad but if you do the math the hours of waiting add up. With me, a whole morning every other week is dedicated to probation. Whether it is waiting to see my PO come down the street or driving 45 minutes/40 miles to the Superior Courthouse, its costly in terms of lost income at the very least. I've had to turn down work and substitute a day class with a night one due to the scheduling conflict with probation and the mandatory nature of the home visit. And if you miss the home visit, your PO is less than pleased since he is only out in my area once every few weeks. I'd be violating the "maximum supervision" condition of my probation contract.
If I worked at any "real" job, I'd be gone unless I could come up with some life or death excuse such as "I'm receiving life saving transfusions at a hospital every other week" or "I have to bring a family member to the hospital for chemotherapy". Sounds extreme but you might find it necessary to, yes, lie. For those of you who are able to work with an understanding boss to get the time off to see you PO, that's awesome, though at the same time people who can't mind their own business will ask around and wonder why you aren't at work and who you are talking to in the parking lot one Friday a month. Make sure you have a believable cover story! Your job may depend on it.
Like many others, I have family and friends in Japan who have been experiencing the unrelenting horror that has been playing out since Friday. I was relieved to hear from those I know saying they were okay but know aftershocks continue and winds today could take any significant nuclear material from reactors in the affected region south toward Tokyo and Osaka. It's not over.
A few years back, I received permission from my chief probation officer and a judge to visit Japan for work and family reasons. But it wasn't going to be that simple. I had a ticket in hand and boarded the long flight to Tokyo. This was my first international flight and when the customs card was passed out, I filled it out truthfully and completely. That means checking the box that said I was a convicted felon. Now, in the etherial world of honesty, this was an awesome choice. But in reality, when I passed the card to the customs officer after disembarking, she asked me if I had really checked the correct box. I, of course, said yes, and she called over a supervisor. Long story short, I was denied entry to Japan and was put on the first flight out, which happened to be to Hawaii. Not a bad thing, I suppose, because after almost a full day of flying I spend a day in Honolulu, rented a car, and went swimming during my layover. Overall, I was disappointed and devastated. Stupid me...
I should have done some research on customs but maybe I didn't want to know the truth-that Japan really doesn't let anyone in with a declared criminal record. The exact regulations aren't clear. One website says if you spent more than a year in jail/prison you aren't allowed entry. Whether or not they know beforehand of any criminal record-I don't know. I'm not suggesting to lie if you are a convicted felon but I wonder how things would have gone if I hadn't been so honest! Naive...
Within the next few years, I do plan on petitioning the consulate here in Boston to try and get an official to allow me to gain entry to Japan, which I am sure involves connections and a fair amount of money. I've never seen my family in Japan but recent events make this wish more imperative than ever before. At the same time, I also have had a recent offer to travel to Thailand, too. Yeah, I know, totally looks bad as a RSO but there is nothing nefarious about the trip at all. I love to travel and that is a dream vacation no matter who you are! A friend of mine has a "connected" family in Bangkok who will host me and show me around. I should try and go before laws get passed stripping RSO's of passports.
It seems every generation the public needs some group to hate in the name of protection. Thanks to the internet, when it comes to sex offenders you can spread false information and scare others like never before. The relative anonymity of the internet means one is not accountable for his comments, misinformation, and disinformation. In a way, some of these folks are "cell warriors" in public; behind the safety of a computer they'll say anything but when they walk out their door they don't speak with as much bluster or righteousness.
Many comments in the media or news article comment sections aren't grounded in any sort of science. Many times, these same people say sex offenders can never be cured. I don't even think that's the appropriate question, whether or not we sex offenders can be "cured". You don't cure sexuality or sexual behavior in any of its forms, you manage these behaviors. There are sex offenders who reoffend with a sex offense, yes, but its not to the epidemic proportions many are lead to believe. If that were the case, and with all of the many facets of protection parents and the public use to protect children, wouldn't we by now know about unseen daily rampage of child molestations by sex offenders?
To be blunt, many in the public don't know what they are talking about when it comes to sex offenders. They've never looked at an actuarial table, talked with a seasoned chief probation officer, or followed a sex offender for years after he has been adjudicated. But it's difficult and uncomfortable to have one's worldview questioned since it has been a cozy companion for years. Any sentiment falling short of "kill all child molesters" "and throw them in prison for life" could mean you are a sympathizer or a soft-on-crime liberal, right?
It will take time, but the hysteria has reached it's apogee, and a more realistic and effective conversation is taking place everywhere. It may take a few decades or so, but American's obsession and hysteria toward sex offenders will subside to a more rational state.
A few months after I was release from prison in 2001, I enrolled in a state college here in MA, studying for a bachelor degree in psychology. I was young enough (just about to turn 25) and motived to attend school full time, but thrusting myself into the realm of 18-21 year olds took a little getting used to. Thanks to my family, I was able to commute to school and live at home. I can't imagine I would have been able to afford attending school any other way, especially a few months out of prison and on probation.
With my bachelor degree, I planned on attending graduate school where I could then be trained and certified as a clinical or counseling psychologist. Yeah, I know the usual critique of psychologists, they are in the profession because they are screwed up themselves. It's probably true but to some extent, who isn't?! Anyway, as good as my intentions were there was no way I could ever do the internships and receive state certification. So now, on to Plan B: becoming certified as a "life coach". It is an expensive credential, important to have when trying to find clients, and the strengths-based approach with a foundation in positive psychology is more attractive to me. I don't regret my 4 year degree and subsequent debt at all. I learned how to learn, made some good friends, and proved to myself I could actually accomplish something besides surviving prison. I had zero skills to bring to an employer, so school was really the only viable option. But I should have thought things through before choosing my major!
Let's talk about things you need to consider if you are thinking of attending any institution of higher ed.
Pick a viable major (see previous paragraph)
Try and figure out if it's worth it from the stand point of taking on debt and your current financial situation. Holding a job while attending classes is best. If you are able to secure grants and loans, even better. Sometimes a job is more valuable than a diploma, especially if you are a convicted sex offender.
Be a commuter or live off campus. Do not live on campus in a dorm, even if somehow you can. With mandatory reporting of sex offenders on college campuses, very soon you will be popular for all the wrong reasons. Skip the drama.
Tell a trusted advisor or professor about your situation: You want a respected member of the campus community to be aware of your situation by way of your telling him/her and not them finding out from the campus police. My advisor ended up being a staunch ally of mine and always offered to help if I had problems with anything relating to being a sex offender on campus. Also, when the rumors about you start to fly, he can shut a lot of conversation and people down by saying "yeah he told me about that". Simple but effective.
You might not be popular and well liked. Deal with it. But do your job as a student and member of the community, be yourself, be friendly, make friends, and even if others don't like you, they have to respect you, which can pay dividends.
Avoid the dorm parties starring booze and drugs. The parties are a volatile mixture of hormones and emotions and things can and do happen. You don't want to be anywhere near it when it does.
If you run into trouble on campus such as being harassed, document it in any way you can, even going to the campus police and filing a report. And don't wait until it's convenient. My story of dueling police reportswith my victim, then an adult in 2004, is fair warning.
Don't be creepy.
Be normal and do what you want to do. Go work out in the gym, join clubs, play intramural sports, tutor other students, etc... You're paying good money for school so use it like any other student.
Be fearless without being offensive.
If there is a report of a sex offense on campus by an unknown assailant, you may want to get in front of it. Consult your lawyer and/or probation officer, let them know what happened on campus. My PO suggested I, along with my attorney, stop in the local police department and introduce myself to the detective and answer any questions he had. It sounds ridiculous, I know, but sometimes being out in front of this stuff is effective.
Make the Dean's List
If you are on probation/parole, inform them of your schedule for the semester and see if you can make alternate arrangements if, say, you have a class scheduled the same time you are supposed to meet your PO for a home visit or court house check-in. You could also file a motion with the court to try and get some of your requirements/restrictions modified with a judges order to accommodate schooling. It's tough for them to be hardasses with someone trying to turn their life around by going to school.
I posted this in response the usual ignorant/hateful comments you see in the discussion section of any online article related to sex offenders. http://hereandnow.wbur.org/2011/03/08/minnesota-sex-offender There really isn't enough to write when it comes to people calling for my castration (so 20th century, come on) and/or murder.
As someone who sexually offended against a child when I was 20, spent 4 years in state prison, and am finishing up a 10 year probation sentence, I'm pretty well informed with how being a sex offender can affect ones life as well as the lives of those who care about him. It's interesting to see how a story on a sex offender acts as Rorschach Test of sorts. The blustery posts in any comment section of a sex offender related article calling for castration or murder do nothing to advance the issue to any semblance of educated understanding. I find people calling for the murder, any murder, but in this case murder of those convicted of a sex offense, appalling and the fact that rhetoric is tolerated only points to a level of sanctioned hate facilitated against sex offenders. I accept the sentiments of punishment and vengeance - normal human emotions - but a red line should be drawn as to the extent of either.
I am 34 now, went to a state college here in MA right when I got out of prison, got a BA in psychology, have had and continue to cultivate wonderful relationships with people who know my background and support me. I am writing about my experiences in my blog to help others convicted sex offenders and their families navigate the onerous world of living as sex offender in the United States.
The vast majority of us don't reoffend and look to redefine our lives in more healthy and productive ways.
Today I have no motivation to write a post about the do's/dont's/what to think abouts of being a sex offender and ex convict. I'm sure readers could use something a little different, too. As doom and gloom prison is, there are many moments of of humor and relative hilarity to be found.
In 1998, I spent the year in the Dallas County Jail as Massachusetts was transferring inmates to the DCJ due to prison overpopulation in MA and the financial incentives DCJ offered. This being a county jail, the DCJ was not really designed as somewhere where an inmates was supposed to spend a year. The jail was a hermetically sealed tower near downtown Dallas. Slot windows might give you sunlight in your cell, if you have a window that isn't facing a brick wall 5 feet away like mine was. The "pods" held 10 men, each (thankfully) with our own cell and closable metal/plexiglass door. It was dingy, with flourescent lighting humming 18 hours a day and cigarette smoke staining the walls and everpresent in the recycled air. Not an enjoyable or healthy place in many ways.
A single TV was the focal point of any pod, providing a connection to the outside world you could no longer physically experience. It was up to guys in the pods to figure out what the schedule of the TV was, taking into account preferences from whites, blacks, latinos, and asians if you had them living with you. Each person would also get their own TV time that was not to be screwed with unless agreed upon by the time slot owner. Violating this arrangement is a huge sign of disrespect in prison.
A predictable schedule throughout the week was the best predictor of peace in a pod, though big sporting events took precidence over everything else. For example, it was very import to know every Saturday afternoon into the early evening was Latino heavy on the TV with Johnny Canales and Sabado Gigante. This way, every week you knew what was coming and could smoke, drink hooch, and dance to the music or schedule that time around shutting your door and do something else entirely.
Ronnie, AKA Miss Pucci (pronounced poochy) was a tall, black, thin, gazelle-like drag queen from Springfield, MA. Rather than wear the dour and uncomfortable jumpers provided by the jail, she instead fashioned a "dress" out of a white bedsheet. (by the way I use "she" and "her" since it is the norm when addressing or talking about queens like Ronnie). The single-strapped dress, with single breast exposed, was draped remarkably well with the hemline sitting an inch or two above her knees. In this fashion, she would saunter about the pod, practice her runway walk, play cards, or cook, while other times she preferred the pink boxers provided. The brilliance of the dress could be experienced whenever Pucci heard a classic drag song on the radio channels playing through the pods TV. One such hilarious and skilled back-to-back performance reincarnated Gloria Gaynor herself, with Pucci performing the classic hit "I will Survive" followed by a spot-on crystal-shattering performance of Minnie Riperton's "Loving You".
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Any of Pucci's performances were something you could easily see on RuPaul's Drag Race - the girl knew what she was doing. Whether he admitted it or not, every inmate and guard, gay/straight/solid or otherwise who saw these and other Pucci performances was entertained and impressed. Besides the juxtoposition of a drag queen singing in such bleak and stale environs, Pucci was able to make you forget where you were and all of your troubles, if only for a song or two.
But this queen was not to be crossed. A few months before I left the DCJ, Pucci transferred out two pods down from mine to be with some guy who would keep her company and cared for i.e. buy her food and cigarettes. From my vantage, one could easily see what was going on in the day room of Pucci's new pod.
One day, I was flipping through the local rag and looked up to see Pucci standing by his pods' TV, in full regalia, arguing with a rather well built latino guy. Emotive as queens are, I could easily tell she was pissed at this other inmate for changing the channel on the TV as she was pointing back and forth to the TV and him. With Pucci standing between him and the TV, this guy-let's call him "Miguel"- decided to ignore Pucci's tirade and again change the channel on the TV. Immediately, Pucci grabbed the Miguel by the jumper and repeatedly pounded on his face with quick and rather painful looking jabs. She completely took Miguel by surprise. Miguel tried to counter by putting his arms up to deflect the punches, grabbing her dress, or spinning away from Pucci, but she anticipated his moves and continued her assult. The dress was flowing and rippling with Pucci's moves and countermoves, adding a sort of elegance and confusing nature to the fight. (looking back now, the dress gave her a big advantage since it was difficult to grasp in a fight since as it was more slippery than the canvas-like jumpers which is easy to grab and hold onto.) Less than a minute later, the beating was over and the CO's came in the lug both Pucci and emasculated Miguel back to the hole, with a triumphant and sassy Pucci letting everyone in earshot know who won the fight and everyone laughing at what could only be described bizarre.
Still laughing and bewildered, one of the more likable sergeants came around and said, "I don't understand how a dude can let a guy in a dress beat him up like that. That's fuckin' embarassing!" Apparently, the DCJ doesn't receive many staunch queens like Miss Pucci.
This case is an example of what guys in the sex offender group would consider unfair: http://sexoffenderissues.blogspot.com/2011/03/ca-salinas-police-youth-leader-scott.html
Not being required to register as part of a plea deal is something many in the public are unaware of and think all convicted of a serious sex crime are on the registry and are the ones they need to focus on. I've seen this deal before in Massachusetts. A Weston resident had child rape charges and got off without having to register also. But that's Weston, so I'm not surprised.
At some level I suppose should be happy for this guy, that he doesn't have the anchor around his neck that is the registry...
Now you have settled into a counseling regime, typically a weekly session, here are some additional thoughts on participating in sex offender counseling to keep in mind over the upcoming months and years:
Announce your intention to complete all phases of treatment as efficiently as possible:
You don't want to be mired in a black hole of counseling year after year, no matter how much time you have on probation. Your ultimate goal in counseling, besides not reoffending of course, should be to graduate to a maintenance program. Ask the counselor how long one should expect to spend in the first phases of treatment before being eligible for a maintenance program.
Relationship and socializing with other group members:
The group I attended allowed members to socialize outside of the counseling session, while others groups are more strict in their policy and prohibit such contact. It's completely normal for guys to form strong bonds in treatment groups and want to socialize and help each other outside the group setting. I gave my phone number to other group members for support in the event they were not well, engaging in problematic activities, or needed a ride to group. One good example of how this can work was an instance I was asked by a fellow group members if I would help him disable his computer since he was cracking out looking at adult porn, knowing it would lead him to seeking out illicit websites and chat (this guy was in maintenance and was not in violation of any condition or restriction). That's not necessarily something you ask your neighbor to do or want to explain why! Whether you engage other offenders outside the group or not, it is something of a personal choice. You have to be certain can remain objective and still, for instance, call this person out in group the same way you would had you not been hanging outside the group.
Ex-cons versus those who didn't do time:
There is an inexorable bond and with guys who've done time behind bars that can sometimes border on resentment toward others in the group who weren't sentenced to incarceration but just probation or those who are convicted but don't have to register as a sex offender. Predictably, a offender who had money to spend on a good lawyer to get a more desirable outcome with sentencing or had connections to achieve the same aren't celebrated in group.
In fact, there's a convoluted mixture of feelings to deal with. Ex-cons (me included) recognize within each other the pain and suffering we had to go through inside prison. Now being out, we may overtly reminisce and half-heartedly joke about the trauma and madness of prison. Think of it - and I am not equating here - like veteran soldiers looking back at their recent war experience. Even if one soldier wasn't laying next to another in a ditch fighting for their lives, they would have an implicit understanding and camaraderie that civilians could never have. Same goes with ex-cons: You don't understand. You had it easy. It was 'Nam, you weren't there, man! You get the idea. You'll have to excuse the ex-cons in the group if we go off on a tangent involving prison, get pissed and resentful, and leave others out of the conversation. We've been to our own hell and back and survived to varying degrees. It's not a feeling of "we are better than you", more a mixture of feelings of unfairness, pride, and camaraderie that is undeniable. If you were never incarcerated, don't take this personally in any way. Besides, having avoided prison is something to be very grateful for! Trust me, being an ex-con is not a club you would have wanted to be a part of and all of us ex-cons would much rather have stayed on the outside.
However, even among ex-cons in group therapy, there's something of a hierarchy of who did how much time, at what facilities, federal/state/county bid, etc...typically with the most "respect" going to the guy who had the hardest/most time. Kind of crazy, but prison does follow you to the outside to some extent.
Child/Adult Offenders:
Speaking of hierarchy, there may also be an unspoken hierarchical structure to the group you join that will never be spoken about very much. This is not really obvious and is more of a perception carried by and colored with society's norms and values. A good counselor will make sure everyone in the group, regardless of their crime and/or age of victim(s), is equal to one another and no one tries to show moral authority over another.
It is human nature to make yourself as least heinous as possible, especially among other offenders. In prison, the guys who were in on statutory rape got a different reception than those in on child rape (what, was your victim twelveteen?!). This can extend into the treatment group. Nobody wants to feel like "the worst of the worst". It's a coping mechanism many offenders adopt to varying degrees: at least my victim was and adult; at least my victim was in his mid-teens, reached puberty, and was willing and I didn't force him; at least my victim was someone I knew and cared about and not a snatch-and-grab; at least I didn't penetrate him like he did; at least she wasn't my own daughter; at least he wasn't a toddler; at least I only looked at kiddie porn and didn't ever touch a child etc...
Truthfully, we all engage in this minimizing and coping at some level. Your ego really doesn't want to be the biggest pervert in the room. It's a protective mechanism that has its function. Just keep in mind this ranking of other group members may rear its head in some comments in various ways because, and let's be frank, American society views sex with a 15 year-old girl much differently than sex with an 11 year-old boy. Sex with a 15 year-old female is more "acceptable" than with a 11 year old male and just because someone is a sex offender doesn't mean he is not homophobic.
So no matter your conviction, don't feel like you can walk in and feel like the top dog or the biggest freak in the room.
Every sex offender therapy counselor/group is different in its approach. Some are very structured and have workbooks and homework while others rely more on the organic process of group therapy, working things out verbally. No matter the approach, the goal is the same: getting you to understand why you did what you did and help you to prevent reoffending. To this end, the single most important document you will work on and want to leave counseling with is the relapse prevention plan.
A RPP has two very important functions: first, the RPP serves as a cognitive guide to help you, the counselor, and the group gain a better understanding of your psychology, your offense, the circumstances surrounding your offense, and how to recognize patterns and warning signs to head off maladaptive thoughts and behaviors which can lead to reoffending. Initially, you will work intensively on the RPP, a document you are never completely done with. I suggest really listening to others when they speak and convey their own stories and struggles. There are undercurrents and themes many offenders share that you will recognize within yourself and can easily incorporate into your RPP. Being an active participant and paying attention will help you become a more sophisticated and reflective group member, thereby helping to create a more productive, safe, and successful group and, ultimately, your RPP will benefit from being as complete and insightful as possible.
The second important function of the RPP is it's role in your sex offender classification/reclassification. At some point, whether you are designated as a Level 1, Level 2, Or Level 3, you will want to lower you risk level or even petition to be released from the duty to register as a sex offender. As the Massachusetts Sex Offender Registry Board puts it when considering factors for reclassification:
Factor 11: Currently in Sex Offender-Specific Treatment
...(c)...Offenders who actively participate in treatment voluntarily...and those who provide a full written copy of their relapse prevention plan, approved by their treatment provider, may receive additional consideration relative to their level of risk to reoffend and/or the degree of dangerousness they pose to public safety.
This "additional consideration" is a good thing. As I mentioned in this blog before, the board need information with which to make a decision. It likes to get as much information as possible. You can have great letters from family, friends, and employers, supporting and attesting to the life you are now living, which the board does want. However, they are not trained experts the board looks toward for expert opinion and testimony regarding your "dangerousness". Information from your counselor, including the RPP, gives the board much needed professional and personal insight into your treatment and progress since offending. Leaving out a detailed RPP document is a glaring omission, one you want to avoid. Just think: if you were on the board looking at a RPP-less petition, you would probably err on the side of caution and not lower his risk level since you want to know that the petitioner thoroughly understand his offense and offending cycle and isn't continuing to attribute his offense to alcohol and drugs, for example. Besides, you don't want to give any member of the board one more reason to deny your petition. At this writing, The Commonwealth only allows you to petition for relcassification every 3 years, so you want to be complete and do it right the first time around.
